If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
