oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Randomize