My Higher Power is John Stamos
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
