High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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