When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
