Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
