What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
is that a dick in a sweater?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
