she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Randomize
