I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Randomize
