Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
