My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
