Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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