in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
