Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
