man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
