her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
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