He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
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