theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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