Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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