please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
