he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
