Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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