fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
