I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
