Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
people are starting to question the shark bite story
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
