Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
