the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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