He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
