I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
I don't deserve a penis
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
