Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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