You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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