I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize