I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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