I can't watch pbs sober anymore
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
