Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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