My Higher Power is John Stamos
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
