I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
