Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize