Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
