You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm both gender and math confused
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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