RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
