Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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