Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
