I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
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