I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize