I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
