my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
