I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
