can we get nightvision for the apartment?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
