this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
