I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
