woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
