ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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