why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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