Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
