my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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