somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize