what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
