I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
