I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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