i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
