I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
try to milk me bitch
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