he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
