I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
